| The Exit |
[21 Mar 2004|01:24pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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music |
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Metallica - Master of Puppets |
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I hope ya'll have enjoyed my short run here on LiveJournal. But it's time to move on. Check out my new website: Ill Noise
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| Marathon Man |
[14 Mar 2004|11:33pm] |
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mood |
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predatory |
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music |
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Jay-Z - Dirt Off Your Shoulder |
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I bought a new pair of running shoes today:
These shoes will assist me in realizing my ultimate goal: to run in the 2004 Chicago Marathon. I know what you're thinking... You don't think I have the durable Kenyan running body to accomplish this. But if there is one thing you must know about me, it's that I have an incredible will to succeed. I strongly believe in the greatness of The Pete. And The Pete will prove all doubters wrong. In fact, who knows, maybe I can be a Cinderella story and win the whole damn thing come October. Chew on that.
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| All About Poo, Part II |
[06 Mar 2004|12:27pm] |
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mood |
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 rushed |
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music |
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Squarepusher - Tommib |
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Ghost Poo
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but no poo in the bowl.
Second Thought Poo
You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo
This kind is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poo
You poo so much you lose 5 pounds.
Right Now Poo
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Poo
This poo is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Poo
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.
Snake Poo
This poo is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Poo (Also Known as Floater Poo)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This Poo usually happens at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poo
The kind of poo that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Poo
The kind of poo the results from eating too much spicy food.
The Incredible Hulk Poo
The king of poo that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Party Pooper
The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
Dirty Bowl Poo
The kind of poo that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Poo
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to poo.
Oh Shit! Shit
You poo so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!
The Never Ending Poo
It's the poo that keeps running out of your butt like pea, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poo runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt Poo
The type of poo that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
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| All About Poo, Part I |
[05 Mar 2004|12:35pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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music |
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Kevin Shields - Ikebana |
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We've all had memorable poo experiences, and just today i experienced an UNCLE TED. Hopefully you all can relate to this...
ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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| "Self-improvement is masturbation" |
[04 Mar 2004|07:20pm] |
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mood |
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quixotic |
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music |
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George Baker - Little Green Bag |
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I closed the door of my bedroom so I could study earlier, and Dave IMed me saying that I was probably whacking off. But I wasn't; I really was studying because I'm a nerd. But that got me thinking about masturbation. Melanie told me that her boyfriend gave up masturbation for Lent one year, which is kinda cool. I don't remember the last time I've spanked my monkey, and trust me I've got no shame in discussing it either--I just don't remember. I go through phases where I don't really care about it too much, whereas I think there are many guys who revolve their whole daily schedules around masturbation time.
Hmmm...I'll bet Dave does it once or twice a week, during those real busy weeks where he doesn't see too much of Becky. C'mon playa, I know. Oh I know. I mean just look at all those wads of kleenex in the garbage can. Yes, Dave does blow his nose more than the average person, but I'm willing to bet that some of those so-called "boogers" contain his DNA (if you know what I mean).
Now, Phil is a tougher read. He's always on the move and never at home long enough to be comfy enough to perform the act. But he does take awfully long poos, which makes me suspect things. Honestly this kid spends a half hour on the john some days (which has always BOGGLED my imagination) and he brings his laptop in with him too. Phil's a big guy so perhaps his feces is proportionally large....but I just always doubt it takes seriously a whole episode of Friends until he is done pooing. I bet it's more like 15 minutes pooing, and the other 15 minutes masturbating to internet porn on his laptop.
Roy is in a whole league of his own in comparison to Phil and Dave. Especially now that his roommate Pat is never home. I'd say he does it 10-15 times a week. And that's during weeks where he's busy cramming for economics tests. Shoot, I bet it'll be 10-15 a day for him during spring break!
Oh and for all you lady readers out there, all men masturbate and if they say they don't they're lying.
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| If variety's the spice of life, then call me Jalapeno |
[03 Mar 2004|11:13pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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Electric Light Orchestra - Mr. Blue Sky |
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Spring break's just a couple days away and I find myself feelin' melancholy with the infinite sadness. The days have been rolling by and for someone who use to pride himself over livin' it up, I've been boring as heck for the past couple weeks. And my environment doesn't help too much, either.
So what do I do? Throw a pie in Dave's face while he's asleep? Nah, I've grown past those antics. Ooh how about skydiving, you say. Nahh, I'm a badass but for some reason I feel scared about skydiving now. What really sucks is that alcoholic consumption has become mundane as hell to me. Oh and if I spend another Saturday night watching DVD's I've already seen, well, I'll just scream. Somebody just shoot me. up in the ass. with a syringe full of steroids. so my new found Barry Bonds-esque muscles can distract me from my boredom.
So I guess I'll go clean my room again.
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| I'm drunk. |
[28 Feb 2004|02:02am] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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music |
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The Roots f. Cody Chesnutt - The Seed 2.0 |
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I am currently drunk right now and decided to write this. I had 11 jagr bombs tongiht as a part of Kevin's JAGR BOMB CHALLENGE. he had 30 jagr bombs, what a badass. i throw up all my shrimp alfredo i had for dinner in his bathtub. hahaha yeah it was gross. but it was cuz roy was peeing in the bathroom while i was laying on the floor and he accidentally peed on me so i got grossed out and puked yucky. im tremlbging like crazy right now cuz of all that redbull in my systerm. well im gonna go to bed now or soon bye
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| La Passion |
[27 Feb 2004|04:37pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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Pete Rock & CL Smooth - They Reminisce Over You |
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I saw The Passion of the Christ on Wednesday when it came out, but haven't had time to write my own review about it. So here goes...
As a work of art, the film really fails to convey the right message. It's as if Mel Gibson is trying to measure God's love by the amount of bloodshed shown. I'm not Christian, so I could imagine that the reaction of most non-Christians would be a numbness to the excess graphic violence, instead of being moved to tears like Gibson intended. Strong Christians I'm sure can fill in the blanks and use the images and story from this movie to find their level of Christian elation. However for others, I think the message can get confused. Also, I can definitely see how the movie can seem very anti-Semitic. Well that's all I feel like writing right now...whew this livejournal stuff can get exhausting!
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| Hello World |
[24 Feb 2004|01:02pm] |
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I never thought I'd join the blog bandwagon but since my sis thinks it's so cool, I thought I would give it a shot. I've never been a fan of xanga and those other blog sites; they're just a forum for people to talk about themselves and a waste of time to maintain and read. But, since my personal website is real popular I figure people would be interested in what I have to say. So here I am :)
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